Thursday, July 7, 2011

You think models have it tough... try being a recreational/knowhere near pro cyclist

When you think eating disorders, you normally think teenage girls, tweens and women who work in the fashion industry are of course prime candidates... so where do cyclists come into it? 

But anyway, we are discussing the eating disorders of the recreational cyclist who have NO chance of winning at the the Tour de France, but, he (Rob) and she (me) is like that little train saying I-think-I-can I-think-I-can... toot toot!

Your normal recreational cyclist looks a little something like this, I made the picture smaller so it would look less offensive, but anyways, staying ON TOPIC. Your recreational Tour de France winning cyclist is likely to buy a bike that is NOT UCI compliant... just as bad as doping if you as me!

Luckily the UCI has taken pity on these poor bastards and allowed them to have their sub 4kg bikes that cost approximately $20,000.00 dollars (doesn't include pedals and carbon cages) because the UCI realises that the only threat they pose to the Tour de France is weight loss by bike riding and then too much bike riding which could mean less time in front of the television.

Once the recreational cyclist has realised their 'potential' they will then look at dieting.

I was once told by an ULTRA MARATHON RUNNER the secret to loosing weight... get hungry.

That guy to your left is at the first stage of his race weight, he's obviously lost a LOT of weight since his time in Lampre and has been given a better position with Astana... keep in mind that this is NOT extreme, this is a perfectly normal reaction when you realise that you are gonna be an awesome state, race weight is key and this has got nothing to do with eating disorders at all...

Obsessions can only go so far right? Wrong, the above is nothing, the process is something like this, I'll put down the steps so you can follow them.

Step 1: Love cycling so much that it hurts
Step 2: Give up any time you have with your family and friends
Step 3: Ride 100km, 200km, 250km and realise what a HARD MAN you are
Step 4: Race D Grade
Step 5: Make B Grade and break a collar bone
Step 6: Put on weight whilst recovering
Step 7: Bitch about how fat you are via email to other supportive cycling friends
Step 8: Feel guilty about the food that your eating, you should also feel guilty about eating Tuna with Spring Water as well
Step 9: Get a coach
Step 10: Get SERIOUS
Step 11: Make a comeback into another sport that you excelled at whilst you where MUCH younger
Step 12: Get Injured
Step 13: Sook about injury
Step 14: Tell someone who cares
Step 15: Physio
Step 16: Remember to complain about exactly HOW FAT YOU ARE...

By the time that you've completed all of these steps you should have reached your ultimate weight, the skinniest you will EVER be, you where never this weight when you where a child and you will NEVER be this weight again.

Welcome to the world of competitive sooking about your weight and your optimal performance, depending on how many injuries that you get, you could be here for a long time or a short time.

Hands up if you have an eating disorder... Rob? You better be raising your hand along with the other 70% of all cyclists.

And in other more important news, I didn't spell check this, and Cav won a stage at the Tour de France!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

"I just ate all of your slice... Oh my... fantastic!" - Kase Anderson

I've been a weeeeee bit obsessed recently. Yep. Obsessed about food, not unusual for me but you thought I was gonna say cycling. 

I went through a stage where I ate a lot of cheese on toast, good cheese and good toast, amazing combination!

Anyways... Little pieces of heaven for consumption! (Squished Banana Slice)

3 large banana's
2 cups of oats
1/3 cup of vegetable oil
splash of vanilla
1 cup of dates sliced small
1/2 cup of macadamia's roughly chopped
1/2 cup of pecans roughly chopped
1 handful of dark chocolate drops or milk chocolate drops (depends how healthy you are or if your like Paul you'll just leave it out)

Turn oven on to 180 degrees. Squish the banana until its squished, potato masher is good to use, throw everything else in and then mix it all up. Put it in a slice tray, I use baking paper to stop any sticking and its easier to clean after. Cook for about 30minutes or until the oats and nuts are going nice and golden brown, remove from oven, allow to cool and cut as desired; I put it in the fridge in a sealed container.

I think this recipe will be great for the kids, its high in energy and low in sugars and stuff like that and should fill them up with a healthy snack. Also good for hungry husbands, wives, children, aunts, uncles, co-workers, cyclists, sports people etc etc etc.

And in the end you should have

Enjoy, you really will love it!!! Please DON'T ask how much of it I've eaten.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Gorgeous, Sxy Women...

Oh how it sucks to be you... 

Normally I write sexually motivated posts about women, mostly I do this because I'm the only girl and everyone else is a man, so I figure they need something to think about and I find that they respond nicely to pictures.
Anyways, racing and the boys (men) who race.

They're surprisingly hot, I remember reading somewhere and I quote, "all male cyclists look better with sunglasses on." I don't know if that's true or not, because I know a lot of beautiful/handsome/sexy men who cycle and its not just about the face, its actually about the entire... 

When I look at a male cyclist, its got nothing to do with their face, at least it doesn't to begin with, normally it follows the following... I'm using pictures to illustrate my point as usual.

I like calves, although this doesn't tell you too much about the rider, it only says they have good muscle definition or can develop muscle well. They could actually suck.

I like the look of them from behind, used to ride with this one boy purely because he had a rock hard arse... face... meh, not so good, attitude, surprisingly dull, the sex... not the way I like it.

Then I look at.. the frame people, not the girls!

If its not ascetically pleasing to me then he probably wont be either.

Then kit comes into it, does he match? Like this man? 

Feel free to stare at that picture just a little bit longer .. I'll wait.

So that's the start of the fantasy, a man with good calves, followed by a great butt, and a good bike that he matches... oh come on ladies, thats no all their is too it.

There has to be something said for experience, a bunch of E graders out on their first race are hardly sxy, some are if they're sandbagging it with their C59's and Campy wheelset, cause they where actually a pro back in the 50's and can only just now afford the bling...

There's a lot of things I'd do for a C59.. if it where pink.

Sit down and watch a race, a crit is best, you get to see them more often; race around and around the track. Watch them play out their tactics, their speed, their experienced with what they do, they know how the race will play, they know when to work and when not to. They know their bike and how to use them, they also have this arrogance about them that is terrible alluring to almost any female.

Any man can achieve the above, but it takes brilliance to actually get the arrogance right. If you want to lick it from top to bottom and stop in all the important places along the way then you should just say something.

Thanks for coming...

Thursday, March 31, 2011

HackPRO goes to Canberra

HackPRO, initially formed to coagulate a bunch of tossers and poseurs into a Team for the Audax Alpine Classic, is visiting the Nations capital in October. Yep. Canberra, here we come!

Oh and we might also do a bit of riding while we're there. How hard could it be?

I later discovered - thanks Russell - there is a 250km painfest planned by the organisers as well. Andres* was also keen to extend the fun. So upon realising this I promptly changed the Event from 207km to 250km! This didn't go down too well with one of the new members of HackPRO. What's an extra 43km between friends huh?

Ultimately, this is just a training run for Death Camp planned later in the year. Several days of mountainous hurt. It's what the fans want! Honest!

And besides, who doesn't want the sense of accomplishment you get on rolling over the line in one of these events?

* Who IS Andres anyway?

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Turn it up... the music you fool!

*Warning, I'm not taking the piss, I'm suggesting you do something about your miserable fucking life and turn it into the best thing you've ever experienced*

I got a DM on Twitter the other day, it said, "Young people think they know it all." and there was a HaHa at the end, but I don't feel that its relevant.

I'm tossing up the idea of doing Exercise Science, I need to find out more info, but told mum and her words where, "your not smart enough..."

Wow... talk about deflation.

Anyways there's this feeling that exists, its called happiness and according to Google Images, happiness is something like

Right, interesting thought, I was thinking something more along the lines off...

Thats my idea of happiness... achievement.

I was discussing with a person who shall otherwise remain nameless, but for the sake of it lets call him self-declared-genius, about winning and not just winning but women sitting on the sidelines.

I'm not sure where I stand on that at the moment (women sitting on the sidelines and wanting to try but don't), what I know is pretty straight forward.

Everyone needs a theme song, mine changes weekly or when ever my mood changes, this week I'm hanging with the Latino Pop crowd, how very chic of me, anyways this one is Liberate by Natalia I'm not too sure about the clip, I heard it first without the clip. Just click it.

Anyways, this is my theme song for my sales job, I've got sales targets to reach and you don't always want to reach them, its not always your day either, motivation goes up and down.

My point is... yes there is one... sometimes you need to JUMP.

I jumped, I went back to university with no money in the bank, bills to pay and I only had one shift a week to bring some money home.

What did I do?

I sat down at the computer and applied for every single job I clicked on seek, probably I applied for 30 jobs, 5 days later I was employed.

So if you want 

sometimes you need to jump and see where it takes you

it could take you all the way to Kona, wanna here those words? "You ARE an IRONMAN."

You want to stand at the TOP of your field and be the best that YOU can be? You want to choose your life? Take a chance, there's no safety net and you could totally fail, but it'll be worth the journey.

I'm not even near the end, but I will experience 

because I WANT to finish first, and first isn't given to you.


None of what I do would be possible without HackPRO, make your own team and treat them how you wish to be treated and worship the ground they walk on.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Its not a matter of if, its a matter of when.

Crashing happens, cyclists get hit by things and before we get to involved with crashing, special thanks to Carly for this weeks song, 'Move on Up by Curtis Mayfield.'

 and then sometimes

and lets not forget

In crit racing your biggest enemy is actually the person beside you, we're all fighting for a good position in the pace line, accidents happen and I'll be throwing my most recent and first crit crash down to experience.

I also wont be petty enough to lay blame, the people beside me could have behaved differently and I'm sure I could as well, but at the time they did the best at staying upright, so kudos to them!

But anyway it it went something like this

followed by

chasing some girls who looked like they wanted to breakaway, which we don't seem to like in B Grade, so went back to this

and then at some point I ended up here

Not me, but good enough, then you go through the whole moment of, I crashed... what exactly hurts, where does it hurt, is that my shoulder or my neck, why is my calf hurting, how's my head?

My left shoulder took most of the force along with my elbows which are nicely scratched and damaged, I've got some road rash on my butt and thats about it.

Yes I cried. No, I'm not embarrased that I cried, it really hurt and the shock is crap.

I'll be back on the bike tomorrow, maybe not on the road, but definately on the trainer, I'll try for the road on Tuesday and see how I go, until then my Murray to Moyne Adventure is over, my long term goals are more important at the moment and the strain of a long ride on my shoulder isn't worth it.

The road season is upon us and maybe I'll ride in SKCC club champs for some more criterium experience, we'll see how I'm feeling in a few weeks.

I'm not weak enough to walk away from a sport that I love.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Girl Envy. I really want her thighs.

Yeah I know, I should really be telling you about the race... here's the 'low-down' or is it 'down-low'?

Average speed 35.4km/h
Max Speed 53.3km/h
Didn't throw up
Didn't come last
Didn't crash...

That's a good race. Women's B Grade at SKCC in case you where wondering. Oh and favorite pre-race song this week... Alejandro.

Anyways, back to girl envy, I was with Madgan today, who else am I ever with, he is my trusted training partner and one of the reasons why I'm able to do the speeds that I'm doing now. Oh yeah, seriously, when he dances up that hill with his 60kg body he does it with ease... me? Oh for me its like death, screw DEATH CAMP, I just ride with people who are fitter than me.. problem solved, its great training!

We where down at Mordi with all the other cyclists who weren't actually stupid enough to try out the Three Peaks Challenge, knowing that the Audax Event is by far superior than the Bicycle Victoria one and.. 

que dream like sequence...

There she was, blond, tall, legs up to my armpits man, amazing and that lovely tanned skin, seriously, I always say I'd only turn for a red head (my bike) but I'd consider it with this Amazonian Goddess. But it wasn't really that she was blond and tall and had tanned skin, it was more them legs and the muscle definition in those thighs...

Liz Hatch is the original poster girl, for sxy looking pics in the world of Women's Cycling, she's pioneered getting her kit of in the name of more media. Somehow though, I don't actually think that's what she cares about, sometimes I think she just likes getting her kit off.

Sounds almost pornographic doesn't it boys... pics? Of course there are pics.

Okay, she's tall and blond, but it isn't who we saw down at Mordi. Pity.

This picture is from the World Champs in Melbourne this year, I love it, and have loved it from the moment I saw it.

I can't find the exact picture that I'm after, which is a drainer, I really should have snapped her picture on my iPhone. 

On the fly and just cause I can I'd like to add...

I read a post from another blog about Women's Cycling about two minutes ago, it was about American racing and how hard it is to get women's racing a place next to the men. I think most of us ride road because of the fun, the mates that we make, and the intense need for speed.

I've been hit by two cars, crashed on a descent down a mountain and few other hick ups here and there and I never once thought about not getting back on my bike. Most of these women are the same, they just want to ride, but we'd also like some recognition in the process.

There are some, amazing women out there riding bikes and mostly we're all beautiful like the girls above, I envy all of them for their dedication and their experience and I hope that one day I get to pull on a team jersey for a team that I want to race with.

Women's Racing Rocks!

Friday, March 4, 2011

Death Camp. Want to be HACK PRO?

7 Peaks in 7 Days.

Start Date.

December 10th 2011 at 0500.


Bright, VIC, Australia... MAP here, we will also travel to Lake Mountain here, Mt Buller here and Mt Baw Baw here.

Personal Sacrifice 

Jens, our favorite tough man, "Shut Up Legs!"

Like every time we go out on the road to train or just ride with friends, you could have an accident, you take your OWN risks on this death camp, there is no sag wagon and their is no ambulance sitting behind you, you climb at your own pace and meet your TEAM mates at the top of the mountain. 

No matter how long it takes for your TEAM mates to get to the top you will WAIT for each of them (me) to get to the top.

This man knows what its about, he's a hero...

 How to climb?
Lance Armstrong only just retired.... AGAIN. Anyone else want to go back to grinding up a mountain? I do, probably this isn't the reason why he retired in the picture, but it will do.

Who's going to join us? How many will their be?

Want to come?

Click here

Now that you've answered the above question from clicking here... or there.

Are you ready?

To be all that you can be!

Then I suggest you....


Qualifications? Oh yeah, my bad I forgot to mention, you've gotta qualify for this, requirements are as follows...

1. Fitz's Challenge, ACT.
2. DBMA Ride, VIC (Melbourne Cup Day 2011... oh yeah, its back, for the LAST time).
3. You've got the chance to go on trial with Hannos in Sydney, NSW.
4. IF we DON'T like you, then your not coming.

You can fulfill ALL or SOME of the requirements. We look forward to your company and hope that you'll survive the winter training that is required to partake. Keep in mind that there is climbing and of course there will always be other obsticles along the way... expect the unexpected.

Cost has not yet been decided, normally the go is to split accomodation, food and fuel depending on whose in what car.

I suggest you put your leave forms in early ladies and tell your wife/husband that you'll be gone and explain to your kids that your going to make them proud... If you have none of that, suggest you tell your boss to go fuck themselves and their pointless 9-5 job and we'll see you soon.

Go on... DARE YOU!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Ready, set... you can hold your line, right?

Turns out that riding around isn't anywhere near as fun as riding around in a circle at really fast speeds (crit racing).

Kinda looks a bit like the picture below, probably they're professionals and probably they're not the E Graders that I raced with..

Things like this can happen, this is called fucking up and not holding your line... learn from your mistakes. The peloton will learn from your mistakes and drop your fucking arse...

Mostly they don't end up like that, or at least they didn't when I raced, it was more like perfection, HTC perfection... lead out train, swish hey, *sigh*.

Followed by, "Yeah, woooo hoooooo."

And then, "your the best team mate in the world..."

And then... yeah okay, real men can cry to. See that bottom lip quivering? And the sooky eyes?

And then some fried brioche at Hardware Societie (sp? I'm not checking its tooo late and I have a lecture at 8am... ethics at 8am, seriously not cool). Okay, I ended up F7 it.

So, that's pretty much what happens at a criterium, POMA dropped by and watched me race, I spent too much time on the front and learnt a lesson from that.


I also learnt that I need to do more sprint work, other than that the speed of E Grade men is apparently faster than B Grade women, so I'll go join B Grade women next week and hopefully we don't see any of this...

Saturday, February 12, 2011

He was like 7 FOOT TALL... Serious!

Its amazing what you see on Beach Road, I was riding with Madgan, we'd done a massive ride allllll the way to Mordialloc and we where on our way back to Melbourne when we saw this cyclists who was 7 FOOT TALL...

Madgan and I where both massively impressed by the amazing abilitiy of the above cyclist, to begin with the kit is amazing, I'd never seen such impressive Lycra on Beach Road.

I commented to Madgan about the speed of the 7 FOOT TALL man on the massive bicyle and said, "should we chase?"

Madgan didn't reply, then I looked at the calves of the 7 FOOT TALL man.... Moo

Wrong picture...

Much better...

Anyway, due to the size of the calves we realised quickly that we actually had no hope of catching the 7 FOOT TALL Russian on the classy LOOK bicycle.

I know you want to look at that all day, a 7 FOOT TALL Russian man on a LOOK bicycles, I couldn't find a picture of the Russian on a LOOK bicycles, I hope the picture above is satisfying.

Friday, January 28, 2011

The Natural Habitat of the $10,000.00 Bicycle. Discuss.

I was recently asked to discuss the $10,000.00 bicycle. Here are my thoughts.

There's bikes and then there are bikes... seriously, not all bikes are are made equally. Owners experience envy and upgradities after at least 3 months of purchasing a new bike this common amongst both genders throughout cycling, primarily men though.

Some bikes are used and put to work, Giant and Malvern Star are good examples of bikes that can be put to work and ridden hard for hours after hours, perhaps even years. Depends on your wife really, how long do you think you could ride her before you got bored? Yes I really did just write that and you read it. Same situation with bikes really.

The natural habitat of the $10,000.00 bicycle is a fickle one to say the least, often purchased by a middle aged man in lycra (MAMIL) in the process of a mid-life-crisis, some are found to be younger of course, for example, early-twenties-crisis, late-thirties-crisis-and-I-just-got-divorced-and-sold-my-house-crisis or the classics 40's and scientists are begining to see it in the over 50's. 

Waiting for the kids to leave home are we? Its called a boot up the arse, does it matter that they're not 18... Nooooo (Oh he knows who I'm talking about, Mr Shogun of Steel!).

The MAMIL will often purchase a $10,000.00 bicycles as it is now considered the 'new golf', however, it is agreed that cycling is much more exciting than its forefather. In the interest of healthy lives and healthy relationships, the MAMIL concedes that the beer gut ,diabetes, heart disease and liver damage must go, he turns to cycling as it is relatively easy on the knees and you just have to sit there (at the coffee shop).

Any of the MAMILS who are still married to their wives, soon discover that their wives are happy that they have found something to amuse themselves with, the constant questions about where you left your keys was getting on her nerves. Didn't you notice the amont of money being charged to Dan Murphy's each week. Even if it means that the kitchen renovations get put of again, the wife of a cyclist is happy that he is out of the house, as he has no DIY ability what-so-ever... admittedly, however far of topic this is, the consistency of the Wiggle orders is impressive.

Pictured below is the BMC-something-something, with its beautiful carbon fibre frame, perfect lines and Zipp 404's. 

As you can see, this is clearly better than the average bicycle and to prove itself so worthwhile, the MAMIL who owns the bicycle will ride no more than 1500m in the morning. Weather of course must be clear with no chance of showers, cloud cover or wind, as the bicycles must be portrayed in perfect light, to distract from the species would be unforgiving and possibly detrimental to future mating options. 

The MAMIL will then proceed to sit at the cafe with other MAMILS and their $10,000.00 bicycles and discuss the epic journey that they had. Epic generally consists of Melboure to Black Rock, which is approxiamtely 25km, each rider rides slow enough to ensure that the decals on their bicycles can be seen and as per the Euro Rules; one shall not be seen in any sort of pain.

If the MAMIL riding the $10,000.00 bicycle is a proper man, he will concede that this is a once in the life time opportunity for him to own such a lovely piece of carbon and will allow on certain occasions other bicycles to ride with him, Giants are of course the exception, along with Trek and Specialized (no particular reason, I just didn't like the decals this season).

On the other hand, the poseur on the $10,000.00 bicycles could surprise you and be a winner, he could be fast, strong and a good friend. Best not judge a bike by the carbon fibre and the decals, do, however, judge based on calves and sense of style.

Matching kit is paramount. 

Monday, January 24, 2011

The Hard Men of Cycling - Cpical, Hannos, Madgan and Russell!

Playing domestique to a group of men is a little nerving, especially when you hear the words, "Your gonna make someone a really good wife one day." That hadn't been the aim...

We rode out of Bright with 6:20am group, the sun was barely up and we had taken our bikes back to the end of the peloton. Hannos was excited; his shiny red BMC-something-something gleamed in the early morning light. Picture below is of Hannos with his BMC-something-something that needed a new crankset... the night before. Who knows SRAM Red?

Fitting a SRAM Red Crankset... minor-last-minute-mechanical-detail

Cpical... I know, I know, its blurry.
Cpical, as always was calm, it was just a ride, it would be fine... pace yourself and you will be okay.

Another of my favorite sayings from Cpical, "no, it will be fine."


"It is okay." or "Yes, it was hard."

Magdan (below) was looking forward to the ride, sure, his daughters think he was riding in the tour down under, I don't think we'll tell them that it was with a bunch of hacks, professional hacks are even worse.

Madgan was under strict instructions, "no jokes whilst riding uphill..."

Russell (bellow) had been positive from the get-go and new the time he had to qualify in for some-really-really-long-arsed-Audax-ride-in-Pars-that-would-probably-give-you-saddle-sores thing. As we rolled out to climb Tawonga Gap there was mentions of this mystical metal called steel that almost no longer exists and is only found in places like Brunswick, Fitzroy and St Kilda... its NOT real.

I decided on the way up Tawonga Gap that my day would end at the hotel in Mt Beauty, my mind couldn't see the finish line, I couldn't imagine it and I wasn't ready to push myself through that much pain. I decided that rest was on the cards and I would also be able to organise things for dinner and not be rushed. A much nicer experience for everyone this time around.

I met Steve (below) as I was going up Tawonga Gap, I was in the big ring... um, I didn't look and I couldn't figure out why it hurt so much, my bad. Steve had started his 10th Alpine Classics that day, he's done pretty much every Audax ride you can imagine. Today wasn't going to be the 10th for him, he wasn't well so I went up with him to the top of Tawonga and suggested that he come back to Mt Beauty with me and I would make some toast and tea.

Steve... the ring in and newest member!
Meanwhile the boys (men) had probably been working their arses of up Falls Creek, their enthusiasm has been outstanding, their personalities had been eye opening and a pleasure to experience.

EVENTUALLY... okay, it wasn't that long, they all arrived back at the hotel.

Madgan's rule had been not to sit down or else he wouldn't get up again, Cpical finally found his competition (if he was in to competition.. which he isn't), in the way of Hannos and that BMC-something-something, Russell's consistency is something that I haven't been able to master yet, perhaps its my youth which holds me back?

I went about refuelling water bottles and making sure everyone was okay, Russell was first out the door knowing all well and good about the time limits that faced him and if he cooled down before the climb over Tawonga Gap he'd suffer even more up Mt Buffallo, I sent Steve off with Russell in the hopes that he would have some company going up the hill.

I was told stories about the impressive wobble in that BMC-something-something as it descended from the top of Falls Creek; only to hear later that Hannos hadn't taken his wind vest with him for the descent thinking he'd be fine. He froze most of the way down and only heated up about 5km from the bottom of Falls Creek.

I considered climbing Falls Creek once the boys left but decided that I deserved the break, I filled the bath and spent an hour looking at the mountain before enjoy an hours sleep.

Princess Missy....

Cpical updated me on their progress once they had reached Mt Buffalo, its the last climb of the day and its the hottest time of the day. I was happy to receive the text messages telling me that each of the boys had made it to the top. They had all done such a good job and it was only a matter of time before they where home.

Hannos was the first in, followed by Cpical and Madgan, and last but not least Russell... who'd stopped for coke.

Special thanks to Steve for taking the photo of all the current members who could make it, obviously you can see the core team who did the 200km. POMA is also featured in the picture, he completed the raid this time, having proven himself capable the year before.

Russell, Hannos, Cpical, Missy, POMA, and Madgan
Drinks where had, stories where told of seeing those magical steel demons, 404's battled sticks and survived, whilst the fly that followed Hannos up Mt Buffalo meet its demise as we departed from a little place called Dreamers.